Over the past year, whether you've been watching pro football, college basketball, MLB baseball or even some NHL highlights on SportsCenter, one would probably agree that it has been somewhat difficult to go about sports viewing without witnessing an embarassing, pathetic, mind-numbingly stupid fan sign at least once in a while. At the Sports Enlightenment, this is not acceptable, and some rules finally need to be set down in place, in the form of a thorough analysis of all types of fan signs:
The law of sports signs does not break down to a simple mathematical formula.
1) The Patriotic Sign
Before starting the analysis of this particular type of sign, I'd like to acknowledge that I am an American citizen, and do- most of the time- love America. With that out of the way, I must admit, this is type of sign is not bulleted as "No. 1" by accident; there is a reason for it. The thing is, there is only a couple sports in particular where this sign is seen(excluding very rare cases). These two sports are, of course, baseball and football. Americans take pride in these sports. We built them from the ground up, and they are USA classics. So, you ask, What is wrong with a "God Bless America" sign at the next NFL game I go to?!? (which I happened to see during the Pats-Giants game.)
When you hoist that sign on national television, this is what goes through my head, and I'm sure the heads of many other sports fans. "No way, really?!!? You love America?!?. God damn, that's surprising. I mean, the Green Bay Packers hat, the Brett Favre jersey, that $150 ticket... Holy shit, I thought that was just part of your terrorist disguise!!! Phew, good to know you're on our side."
Above: Highlighted in white are the countries of the world that actually give a shit about the NFL.
I'm all for the patriotism, I really am. There's a lot of misplaced patriotism in all the wrong places these days, but if you really have your heart in it, I think that's great. The problem with those signs at NFL games is this: by merely attending the game, we know where your national allegiance lies, trust me. I have only been to two professional football games in my life, but I can assure you, I've never been rubbing up shoulder to shoulder next to a guy who just moved to America, got lost on the way home from the market, and figured ("Ah, what the hell.") he'd stop into the Meadowlands for an afternoon of drinking and jeering.
NO ONE IN THE REST OF THE ENTIRE PLANET EARTH CARES, OR HAS EVEN HEARD OF AMERICAN FOOTBALL, LET ALONE IS WANTING TO PAY HAND-OVER-FIST TO GET INTO THE UPPER-DECK OF A GAME.
Next time you are in WAL-MART buying tailgating supplies, and you're tempted by that U!S!A! sign behind the counter, remember- When you hold that sign up at the game, you will block the vision of all the people behind you. And when the rest of us see you on television, we will want to punch ourselves in the face, because we will be so appalled at your lack of creativity. Make a sign yourself, we know you love America.
2) The "What's Next" Sign:
As far as strictly trying to get on television, the "What's Next" sign is just as shameless as the Patriotic sign. The difference is, at least the latter has the patriotism thing going for it. The former has nothing. Honestly, if you bring one of these signs to a game, what is your excuse? "Uhhhh, I don't know I mean I like Clemson but my buddies and I didn't think we'd get on TV with our first sign, which just said 'Clemson is Cool', so we just made one that said, 'SportsCenter is Next'.....it worked."
And you know what the sad thing is? It usually does work. Make no mistake, ESPN will take your opportunity to market their own show, but don't tempt them.
For the majority of people who watch sports, who have a relatively good idea of the ESPN weeknight line-up, we know that your 9 pm college basketball game is going to be followed up by SportsCenter, making your sign completely useless. Thank you for telling us what we already knew.
The one case in which this would be helpful, is if there was an unusual 9 pm SportsCenter that not everyone knew about, and your game was at 7, it could actually be a nice reminder, even though I'm sure Brent Musburger, Mike Patrick, or Brad Nessler would be constantly reminding us anyway.
Taking the time to make a sign that simply tells viewers what is on the tube after the game is over is an insult to your team, your fellow fans, and the TV viewers at home. Not to mention, it is a waste of your time. Make signs for yourself, your team, and the fans, not the cameras.
3) The Dumb, Stupid Sign (aka This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse)
Luckily, these aren't quite as common in the sports world, but they still come up every now and then. These are the signs that say, "Brett is my Favre-rite!!" or "Pursuing Perfection!!" ("Wow, really, are you really undefeated? No, oh my goodness, no I had no idea I mean, in my house under a rock I don't get cable, no, but wow. That's great. Congratulations for that, man.") These are just the signs that completely waste our time and make us think humanity is on it's last legs. They lack any sense of creativity, they tell us only things we already knew, and they are occasionally bad enough to make us think, "Hey, maybe an ape could have come up with that."
4) The Acronym Sign
This sign comes last because it can potentially encompass any or all of the other three. This is the sign most commonly used by people who lack the imagination to write something down themselves, and need a set of corporate or college initials to get them started.
Now, even when properly executed, the acronym sign is a joke. But sadly, more and more fans are having trouble with even that basic concept.
Firstly, you're already being kinda pathetic having to start your sign with CBS, but if you must, please come up with something good. Something like this is not acceptable:
Chargers
footBall season
iS over
Unfortunately, there are actually signs made like this. If you are going to take the acronym route, please challenge yourself. For the love of God, the initials you choose should be used ONLY to begin words. And there should be no extraneous words floating off on their own like "season" and "over" in the one above.
One of the most notable moments in recent fan sign history. Also, the only time Maryland fans have felt truly appreciated.
So, on to the Amendments of the Sports Constitution.
Article XII: Regarding "Fan Signs":
1st Amendment: Proclaiming one's allegiance to the US is unnecessary at professional football and baseball games. Make signs accordingly.
2nd Amendment: Signs are made SOLELY for the love of the team. Publicity is a bonus.
3rd Amendment: In case you missed the last one, stop being ESPN drones and make signs for the sake of your team, not the TV cameras.
4th Amendment: If your proposed sign includes weak alliteration, a botched rhyme, an old cliché, or rehashes an earlier headline from the week or season, DO NOT MAKE IT.
5th Amendment: Acronym signs will be used sparingly, and words will only begin with letters from the acronym.
Phew. I'm glad that's all sorted out.
With the Super Bowl now two weeks away, and the Australian Open in full swing, the tennis world brims with excitement at the chance that they just might be featured on an episode of SportsCenter.
once, maybe, possibly hit a woman potentially years ago. 
